In my last blog post, I mentioned that my labor preparation would consist of more abundant and consistent study of the scriptures/words of the prophets. I promised I would start on the 22nd (one month from my due date) but instead, started the very night I wrote that post (June 9th) as I just didn't see the point in waiting. I have learned a lot and have been humbled in the last few weeks during my studies. I also decided to read all the gospels' accounts (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) on the atonement and found myself thinking a lot about the hardships of the people I love, many of which are due to what is mentioned in this verse:
Matthew 26:38
Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.
This is what Christ says to Peter, James and John as he enters the garden to begin what would be the most suffering any person would ever endure. I can't help but think that the beginning of his suffering - this supreme sorrow - was in reference to all the sadness, depression and loss we all feel throughout our lives.
I wonder what we were doing as he began his suffering? I know we were in heaven, preparing ourselves to come to earth and that we were learning about what that would entail. I wonder if all of us or some of us actually watched as Christ entered the garden and began his suffering? I wonder if it was silent in heaven, or if we mourned to watched our elder brother groan under such unimaginable pain? I wonder if some of us begged for another way? I wonder, as we watched him bear the burden of our sins, if we vowed to ourselves that we would never sin?
I am just so overwhelmingly grateful that he did what he did. Because even on silly days like these, where I find myself consumed with sadness, that I can open my heart to him and allow him to make this experience one that will benefit me and enrich me rather than lead me to self-pity or even anger. I am trying not to take his suffering for granted. I am trying to use it every single day. I am so ridiculously flawed that I wouldn't be able to live if it weren't for the fact that I can repent every day, on my knees; that I can literally feel the weight of whatever guilt I feel be removed from me when I have truly followed the steps of repentance. It amazes me that the same power that was used to create this earth we live in is the same power that causes this child within me to grow each day. And that same power that is used to create and sustain life, is the same power that was used to make the atonement possible and effective for us all - that each of us are all covered under the power of Christ's deliverance. That same power is what I am able to use to cleanse my life each day, and that same power enables Christ to succor both you and me in any time of need - no matter how silly it may be.
How could we ever reject that? How can we ever pretend like that's not true? How can we ever think there is anything more important than what Christ made possible for us?
So, here is the real confession of this post. Here is where you will learn (if you didn't know already) how horrifically flawed I am. Firstly, there are people I love who have endured hardship this year that have held tight to what the atonement offers them. Then there are those I love who I know at once saw clearly that vision who were then broken under the weight of their struggle and have casually pushed him aside. That's what breaks my heart - when someone I know who has seen the vision of this truth and who later rejects it. I am horrible for thinking this way. I have no right to judge their situation or their reasons for doing what they do. I have no idea what their struggles are like - because I am sure they pale in comparison to mine. But, that is one reason why I am so sad today. I am not sure what this will turn into or if I can get over myself and live and let live. But it's so hard when you serve and learn to love people so much only to see them drift away. How do you handle that? How do you reconcile with that? Or do you take the beautifully good with the wretchedly bad - because feeling anything less is not experiencing what it truly means to have a mortal body and what it means to feel the way Christ feels for us? I am not sure. I am still looking for answers. But I just thought I would post it. Perhaps one of you will resonate with this and share your thoughts.
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