To my left sat a member of the security staff, sporting his uniform, and to my right sat the med nurse. I looked at each of them and gave them a small smile and walked across the hallway to the lounge, which was also dimly lit. The clock hanging on the wall at the far end told me it was around three in the morning. I sat on the cold plastic couch and tucked my legs up in front of me and wrapped my arms around them. I was too sick, too shy, and too scared to say anything to anybody.
The med nurse came and sat next to me. "Marcie, is everything okay?"
Without looking at him I responded, "Yeah, I'm fine. I just feel really nauseous."
Without looking at him I responded, "Yeah, I'm fine. I just feel really nauseous."
"Can I get you anything?" He asked.
"Would it be all right if I had some crackers?" I said weakly.
"Sure. I'll go get some." He got up and I listened to the tapping of his footsteps on the linoleum floor.
"Sure. I'll go get some." He got up and I listened to the tapping of his footsteps on the linoleum floor.
About a minute later he came and handed me two small packets of saltine crackers. He then walked over to the juice machine and filled a plastic cup with ice and some water and brought it back to me.
"Thank you." I said, slowly opening the crackers and breaking off a small piece and putting it in my mouth. I was trembling slightly and at this moment, I didn't know why.
"Thank you." I said, slowly opening the crackers and breaking off a small piece and putting it in my mouth. I was trembling slightly and at this moment, I didn't know why.
The med nurse came back and sat down, this time he brought over a small cart that had a blood pressure cuff and a digital thermometer. He checked my blood pressure and temperature and seemed to be pleased with what he saw. He pulled up a chair and sat across from me, leaning his elbows onto his knees. By this point I had a couple sips of water and finished 2 crackers.
"Are you feeling any better?" He asked quietly.
"Not really." I gave him a wan smile, trembling slightly with every deep deliberate breath. "Why am I shaking so much?" I laughed a little.
He paused and rubbed his hands together. "Have you ever had a panic attack before?"
I felt immense relief flood over me. "Is that what this is? I thought I was getting the flu!"
I felt immense relief flood over me. "Is that what this is? I thought I was getting the flu!"
"Your pupils are really dilated right now," he said, sounding worried.
"Well this wouldn't be the first time for me!" I said. "I had my first panic attack earlier this year." I said. I realized how tense my body was from the prospect of throwing up. Now that I knew what was happening, I relaxed my posture. That's when I started to feel the same tingling sensation in my arms and legs that I felt during my first panic attack. Over the course of a few minutes, my arms and legs were almost completely numb. My head was tingling. I felt faint. I let the panic attack wash over me and just accepted it, welcomed it. "Everything is okay." I said to myself. "You're not dying. You're fine. Everything is fine."
The med nurse and I talked a little more to distract myself from what was happening. He gave me a pill to calm my stomach and nerves and after a few more minutes, the worst of it was over and I went back into my room and slept a few more hours.
That happened a little over 8 months ago. That was my first night at a psychiatric hospital.
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Welcome to my newly revamped blog, everyone! It's been a while since I've blogged. I've been wanting to write about my experiences in mental hospitals for a while now. Last year, I sat down and started to type it out, only to cause a panic attack during both attempts as revisiting the experience was very traumatizing for me. Thankfully, the shock of it all has worn off and now thinking about my experience only brings me gratitude for what I've learned. If you are interested in learning more about my experience, I'll be posting more soon. Thanks for stopping by!
