*There are references to some medically inadvisable decisions in this blog post. I am not a doctor or medical professional so please keep that in mind when reading this post.*
Lately I have been feeling like this little currant bush:
I'm very much still in the crying-from-being-chopped-down phase. Am I crazy? What's wrong with me?! Why can't I just be grateful and happily endure?! I used to know what that meant. I used to be able to do that! I've blogged about things that were tough for me where I just had this burning faith that it would all be all right! Where is that girl? I want to be her again. Maybe I just need a good kick in the pants. Any takers? There's a whole new chapter I'm about to share with you in the book of "my silly health problems." I haven't mentioned it before because mainly, a lot of this has all been happening at the same time and I needed to compartmentalize everything before I could work through it. As I'm writing this, I kind of feel like a "Debbie Downer."
Maybe my problem is that I am young and inexperienced. And now I'm learning what living really is. When they say that life is full of those good, bad, and ugly moments, maybe I've only lived the good and the bad? Maybe I'm getting to know the "ugly" now? I really hope it's the kind of ugly where it might look yucky on the outside but on the inside it's full of goodness and is causing a kind of metamorphic change in me that I won't notice until it's a thing of the past. I really hope that's what it is. And I really hope this thing will have a past.
Some days I am so angry! I'm angry that I can't just be grateful for what I have. I'm angry that I can't be more patient. I'm angry at God. I'm angry at my doctors. I'm angry that my body doesn't allow me to do normal things like drive or clean my house. I'm angry that I can't take my kids to the park or go grocery shopping. I'm angry at the person I see in the mirror because I do not know her. I feel like a prisoner trapped in this defective body that keeps breaking down and needs constant maintenance. And yet the maintenance workers seem apathetic and distracted by other prettier, skinnier, simpler, less crazy jobs.
Maybe my problem is that I am young and inexperienced. And now I'm learning what living really is. When they say that life is full of those good, bad, and ugly moments, maybe I've only lived the good and the bad? Maybe I'm getting to know the "ugly" now? I really hope it's the kind of ugly where it might look yucky on the outside but on the inside it's full of goodness and is causing a kind of metamorphic change in me that I won't notice until it's a thing of the past. I really hope that's what it is. And I really hope this thing will have a past.
Some days I am so angry! I'm angry that I can't just be grateful for what I have. I'm angry that I can't be more patient. I'm angry at God. I'm angry at my doctors. I'm angry that my body doesn't allow me to do normal things like drive or clean my house. I'm angry that I can't take my kids to the park or go grocery shopping. I'm angry at the person I see in the mirror because I do not know her. I feel like a prisoner trapped in this defective body that keeps breaking down and needs constant maintenance. And yet the maintenance workers seem apathetic and distracted by other prettier, skinnier, simpler, less crazy jobs.
Around 5 months ago, I noticed that my vision was starting to deteriorate, particularly in my left eye. I went to my general practitioner who referred me to an eye doctor who then referred me to an neuro-opthomologist. I got a brain MRI done and then went to see this doctor. It was there that we found that there were some blind spots in my peripheral vision, one in my left eye was particularly large. I had also developed hematomas (tissue swelling) in both eyes, the left eye being the worst. The cause of all this? A buildup of cerebral-spinal fluid in my brain: a somewhat mysterious neurological disease called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (also known as Pseudotumor Cerebri). The doctor had some theories on what he thinks caused it and what I could do to alleviate the swelling. I don't want to get into those theories because it just makes me angry. I'll just say that I was put on a particular diet and he wanted to see me again in 4 weeks.
During those 4 weeks I found myself in the psychiatric hospital again so since my only symptom of the pseudotumor was blurred vision, our main focus was the mental illness issues I was facing. During this hospitalization, I begged with my doctors to please help me figure out what was causing this chronic fatigue and dizziness I had been feeling for some time. I got the feeling that they didn't care too much about that so I just kept my mouth shut except for when I swallowed the pills they gave me.
After I went home, I met with my psychiatrist who was considering adding bipolar disorder to my diagnoses and added yet another drug to see if it would help. I stayed on this cocktail for a couple weeks and found the symptoms of dizziness and fatigue just worsening with each week. I saw my GP about these symptoms and didn't feel like I was being taken seriously. I was so frustrated at this hole I felt like I was falling into and from feeling over medicated and numb so... I did something that I knew went against medical advice but it was something that I felt strongly about. I decided to slowly wean myself off of my medications so that I could get to the bottom of these symptoms I was experiencing. I tried and tried to bring it to the attention of my doctors but that took me nowhere. I needed to know if it was the drugs making me feel this way or if it was something else because I felt like it was getting worse. I read as much as I could about each of the drugs I was taking and followed the advice I found most frequently and had no problem weaning off all my medications. It took me around a month. It's been a month and a half since since my last pill and I'm doing just fine without the drugs (which is a little unsettling and confusing but also wonderful?).
Two and a half months from my last appointment with my neurologist, I finally went in for a follow up. My vision/hematomas were worse and I was exhibiting many more unusual symptoms: head tics, dizziness so bad I couldn't drive my own car anymore, vertigo spells, joint pain, and restless leg syndrome. I was significantly worse and I had to take some of the blame as I should have been back in that office a month and a half earlier. He prescribed a not-so-friendly drug that was supposed to reduce the swelling in my brain but has had a host of painful and unpleasant side effects.
I've been on this medication now for a month or so and have had an increase in symptoms. After multiple phone calls and multiple doctors visits of sobbing my eyes out, I finally had a lot of blood work done and am waiting for the results. I'm terrified that all the blood work will come back normal and that the doctors will just think I'm making this all up. And sometimes I think, "what if I am making this all up? What if I'm just really lazy and that everyone feels this sick all the time and they just deal with it?" I also find myself super impressed with my fellow mom friends. When I see you guys posting pictures of a birthday cake you made or your kid all spruced up and ready for his/her first day of school I'm like, "Wow that's amazing. How do they do that?" I'm still working on doing things like "conditioning my hair" regularly or "feeding my kids something other than dry cereal." We've had to hire a nanny to come every week day which has been humbling and also wonderful. It's really nice to have a friend come over everyday to help clean and take care of the kids.
I am incredibly discouraged. A part of me knows what I'm about to say isn't true, but I feel so abandoned by God lately. I used to feel that He was holding me in His hands but somewhere along the way I must have slipped through His fingers. Some days I'm fine and I can keep it together but I feel like most days I just need to cry. I feel so sick most of the time and it's torture not having all the answers. I feel so ungrateful and bratty and pessimistic as I write this but this is honestly how I'm feeling.
Two and a half months from my last appointment with my neurologist, I finally went in for a follow up. My vision/hematomas were worse and I was exhibiting many more unusual symptoms: head tics, dizziness so bad I couldn't drive my own car anymore, vertigo spells, joint pain, and restless leg syndrome. I was significantly worse and I had to take some of the blame as I should have been back in that office a month and a half earlier. He prescribed a not-so-friendly drug that was supposed to reduce the swelling in my brain but has had a host of painful and unpleasant side effects.
I've been on this medication now for a month or so and have had an increase in symptoms. After multiple phone calls and multiple doctors visits of sobbing my eyes out, I finally had a lot of blood work done and am waiting for the results. I'm terrified that all the blood work will come back normal and that the doctors will just think I'm making this all up. And sometimes I think, "what if I am making this all up? What if I'm just really lazy and that everyone feels this sick all the time and they just deal with it?" I also find myself super impressed with my fellow mom friends. When I see you guys posting pictures of a birthday cake you made or your kid all spruced up and ready for his/her first day of school I'm like, "Wow that's amazing. How do they do that?" I'm still working on doing things like "conditioning my hair" regularly or "feeding my kids something other than dry cereal." We've had to hire a nanny to come every week day which has been humbling and also wonderful. It's really nice to have a friend come over everyday to help clean and take care of the kids.
I am incredibly discouraged. A part of me knows what I'm about to say isn't true, but I feel so abandoned by God lately. I used to feel that He was holding me in His hands but somewhere along the way I must have slipped through His fingers. Some days I'm fine and I can keep it together but I feel like most days I just need to cry. I feel so sick most of the time and it's torture not having all the answers. I feel so ungrateful and bratty and pessimistic as I write this but this is honestly how I'm feeling.
As dark as this has been for me, there have been many moments that have brightened my day. First of all, my sweet family - of course. I have a wonderful husband and 2 darling kids that make me laugh and smile no matter how sick I may feel that day. There have been so many friends from church who've brought dinner and treats or who've taken the kids for the morning. My dear sweet neighbor takes such good care of us. I have such supportive and loving family members who listen to me and encourage me. I'm surrounded by good people. I have a wonderful support system.
I started writing this post weeks ago and felt it was too negative to post. But then it kept popping into my head. I kept feeling like I needed to share what I was feeling. I'm not fishing for pity, but I am fishing for encouragement. So, to all my fellow currant bushes out there, give me your best!
