I am sad today. I have no real reason to be sad. My life is going amazingly well. I have a wonderful family. I am safe and feel protected. All of my temporal needs are met. I have a close relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior. I am loved by many and love many in return. I have one healthy child and one on the way. But today I am just so sad. I can't stop crying! Poor Henry has seen his pregnant and emotional mommy cry way too much lately. The last few times I have found myself crying has been mainly due to the lives of people I love. This year has been so hard for a lot of people I care so much about.

In my last blog post, I mentioned that my labor preparation would consist of more abundant and consistent study of the scriptures/words of the prophets. I promised I would start on the 22nd (one month from my due date) but instead, started the very night I wrote that post (June 9th) as I just didn't see the point in waiting. I have learned a lot and have been humbled in the last few weeks during my studies. I also decided to read all the gospels' accounts (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) on the atonement and found myself thinking a lot about the hardships of the people I love, many of which are due to what is mentioned in this verse:

Matthew 26:38

Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.

This is what Christ says to Peter, James and John as he enters the garden to begin what would be the most suffering any person would ever endure. I can't help but think that the beginning of his suffering - this supreme sorrow - was in reference to all the sadness, depression and loss we all feel throughout our lives. 

I wonder what we were doing as he began his suffering? I know we were in heaven, preparing ourselves to come to earth and that we were learning about what that would entail. I wonder if all of us or some of us actually watched as Christ entered the garden and began his suffering? I wonder if it was silent in heaven, or if we mourned to watched our elder brother groan under such unimaginable pain? I wonder if some of us begged for another way? I wonder, as we watched him bear the burden of our sins, if we vowed to ourselves that we would never sin? 

I am just so overwhelmingly grateful that he did what he did. Because even on silly days like these, where I find myself consumed with sadness, that I can open my heart to him and allow him to make this experience one that will benefit me and enrich me rather than lead me to self-pity or even anger. I am trying not to take his suffering for granted. I am trying to use it every single day. I am so ridiculously flawed that I wouldn't be able to live if it weren't for the fact that I can repent every day, on my knees; that I can literally feel the weight of whatever guilt I feel be removed from me when I have truly followed the steps of repentance. It amazes me that the same power that was used to create this earth we live in is the same power that causes this child within me to grow each day. And that same power that is used to create and sustain life, is the same power that was used to make the atonement possible and effective for us all - that each of us are all covered under the power of Christ's deliverance. That same power is what I am able to use to cleanse my life each day, and that same power enables Christ to succor both you and me in any time of need - no matter how silly it may be.

How could we ever reject that? How can we ever pretend like that's not true? How can we ever think there is anything more important than what Christ made possible for us? 

So, here is the real confession of this post. Here is where you will learn (if you didn't know already) how horrifically flawed I am. Firstly, there are people I love who have endured hardship this year that have held tight to what the atonement offers them. Then there are those I love who I know at once saw clearly that vision who were then broken under the weight of their struggle and have casually pushed him aside. That's what breaks my heart - when someone I know who has seen the vision of this truth and who later rejects it. I am horrible for thinking this way. I have no right to judge their situation or their reasons for doing what they do. I have no idea what their struggles are like - because I am sure they pale in comparison to mine. But, that is one reason why I am so sad today. I am not sure what this will turn into or if I can get over myself and live and let live. But it's so hard when you serve and learn to love people so much only to see them drift away. How do you handle that? How do you reconcile with that? Or do you take the beautifully good with the wretchedly bad - because feeling anything less is not experiencing what it truly means to have a mortal body and what it means to feel the way Christ feels for us? I am not sure. I am still looking for answers. But I just thought I would post it. Perhaps one of you will resonate with this and share your thoughts.

My Experiment

Alma 32:27

 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

Those of you who have read The Book of Mormon know of this fantastic chapter about faith (Alma 32). We frequently talk about it all the time in the church, especially a particular analogy expressed therein that refers to faith being as a seed that grows as we study the words of Christ and put them into action. In this post I am going to share an experiment of faith that I have decided to try.

As most of you know, I am pregnant. This is my second pregnancy. I am 34 weeks tomorrow which means I am getting close to being done. It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that a baby is going to be here next month because, first of all, I have to go through the harrowing process of labor and delivery before that baby is in my arms. My last experience giving birth was incredibly challenging and difficult. I had reached my absolute limit physically and emotionally. I found myself in the lowest of lows. To have that followed by the highest of highs within a minute was the most incredible experience I had ever had. As the nurses tended to Henry and the doctor stitched up a hefty episiotomy, I gleefully exclaimed, "Let's do that again!" (This comment most likely made all the blood in my husband's face siphon away - he was definitely not ready for quite a while after that experience). That high lasted for so long. It got me through many sleepless nights with a newborn. However, my eagerness began to dissipate once l I got pregnant again. It has ebbed away over the months and the closer I get to crunch time, the more fear settles in. 

When I was hospitalized after my water broke at 29 weeks (Hope in the Hospital) I was asked in the triage if I wanted an epidural. The fact that I was being asked that put me in a momentary panic! I actually said, "Wait, what? This is happening? Am I going to deliver this baby today? I am not ready at all!" And then they asked me what my pain tolerance was! It was surreal to be asked something that I wasn't remotely prepared to answer - something that I hadn't pondered or mapped out in my head yet. It was like someone walked up to me and said, "You are going to get hit by a car in a few minutes and it's really going to hurt." It was terrifying. I was not ready. Luckily this baby defied the odds and stayed put. And yet, as time has passed, even though I have made efforts to prepare myself mentally for this experience (from mapping out my birth plan to reading a birthing book) I have found that rather than feeling prepared, I am feeling overwhelmed and afraid - more than I am willing to admit.

I know people do challenging things all the time - like giving birth. In fact, I bet a number of you reading this have given birth without batting an eye. But it is what it is. I am, as my father would say, a "delicate lotus blossom." Translated: I am a sensitive boob.

Before I explain my experiment, I have to explain a more recent experience. With my pregnancy, which is considerably easier than my last (minus the hospital scare), one minor struggle I have is that my hormones make it harder for me to restrain frustration; I can go from 1 (being completely calm and collected) to 10 (being incensed) within one second. This only happens with Henry and it has resulted in me losing my temper in ways that were absolutely not acceptable. After a particularly discouraging day where my temper flared frequently with him, I was horribly ashamed and upset. I apologized to him many times. During my evening prayers, I asked for forgiveness and felt that in order for me to be forgiven, I needed to talk to Andrew about what happened. I felt so embarrassed as I walked down the stairs to talk to him. I desperately humbled myself as I told Andrew in tears what happened and asked him what I should do. I had been praying for weeks for help with this issue and the problem kept happening. He suggested that perhaps I should start studying my scriptures in the morning (as I already do every night) and perhaps that will give me extra strength to resist the urge to snap. As I have embraced his new habit, I have been blessed with remarkable restraint and haven't had a single slip up since. Even though the things I am studying in the morning have nothing to do with being patient or long suffering, it still somehow works!

So here's my experiment: starting on Sunday, the 22nd of this month (one month from my due date), I will begin an additional daily study routine. In addition to the studying I am already doing, I am going to either read a General Conference talk or study the scriptures at any time of the day to be part of my labor preparation. I am planning on an unmedicated birth for many reasons that I will discuss in another post. But I really want to see how studying many different subjects in the gospel will aid me in this experience. I am sure it will cast out all the fear but I am not sure exactly how it will help me when the moment comes. Thus, the need for experimentation!

I hope this isn't misconstrued as being braggy or overzealous. I am just navigating through life the same as the next person and I just really believe in the things that I have talked about and I am genuinely curious to see what will happen. I know I have a few weeks until I start, but I just thought I would post my thoughts about it today.