My Experiment

Alma 32:27

 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

Those of you who have read The Book of Mormon know of this fantastic chapter about faith (Alma 32). We frequently talk about it all the time in the church, especially a particular analogy expressed therein that refers to faith being as a seed that grows as we study the words of Christ and put them into action. In this post I am going to share an experiment of faith that I have decided to try.

As most of you know, I am pregnant. This is my second pregnancy. I am 34 weeks tomorrow which means I am getting close to being done. It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that a baby is going to be here next month because, first of all, I have to go through the harrowing process of labor and delivery before that baby is in my arms. My last experience giving birth was incredibly challenging and difficult. I had reached my absolute limit physically and emotionally. I found myself in the lowest of lows. To have that followed by the highest of highs within a minute was the most incredible experience I had ever had. As the nurses tended to Henry and the doctor stitched up a hefty episiotomy, I gleefully exclaimed, "Let's do that again!" (This comment most likely made all the blood in my husband's face siphon away - he was definitely not ready for quite a while after that experience). That high lasted for so long. It got me through many sleepless nights with a newborn. However, my eagerness began to dissipate once l I got pregnant again. It has ebbed away over the months and the closer I get to crunch time, the more fear settles in. 

When I was hospitalized after my water broke at 29 weeks (Hope in the Hospital) I was asked in the triage if I wanted an epidural. The fact that I was being asked that put me in a momentary panic! I actually said, "Wait, what? This is happening? Am I going to deliver this baby today? I am not ready at all!" And then they asked me what my pain tolerance was! It was surreal to be asked something that I wasn't remotely prepared to answer - something that I hadn't pondered or mapped out in my head yet. It was like someone walked up to me and said, "You are going to get hit by a car in a few minutes and it's really going to hurt." It was terrifying. I was not ready. Luckily this baby defied the odds and stayed put. And yet, as time has passed, even though I have made efforts to prepare myself mentally for this experience (from mapping out my birth plan to reading a birthing book) I have found that rather than feeling prepared, I am feeling overwhelmed and afraid - more than I am willing to admit.

I know people do challenging things all the time - like giving birth. In fact, I bet a number of you reading this have given birth without batting an eye. But it is what it is. I am, as my father would say, a "delicate lotus blossom." Translated: I am a sensitive boob.

Before I explain my experiment, I have to explain a more recent experience. With my pregnancy, which is considerably easier than my last (minus the hospital scare), one minor struggle I have is that my hormones make it harder for me to restrain frustration; I can go from 1 (being completely calm and collected) to 10 (being incensed) within one second. This only happens with Henry and it has resulted in me losing my temper in ways that were absolutely not acceptable. After a particularly discouraging day where my temper flared frequently with him, I was horribly ashamed and upset. I apologized to him many times. During my evening prayers, I asked for forgiveness and felt that in order for me to be forgiven, I needed to talk to Andrew about what happened. I felt so embarrassed as I walked down the stairs to talk to him. I desperately humbled myself as I told Andrew in tears what happened and asked him what I should do. I had been praying for weeks for help with this issue and the problem kept happening. He suggested that perhaps I should start studying my scriptures in the morning (as I already do every night) and perhaps that will give me extra strength to resist the urge to snap. As I have embraced his new habit, I have been blessed with remarkable restraint and haven't had a single slip up since. Even though the things I am studying in the morning have nothing to do with being patient or long suffering, it still somehow works!

So here's my experiment: starting on Sunday, the 22nd of this month (one month from my due date), I will begin an additional daily study routine. In addition to the studying I am already doing, I am going to either read a General Conference talk or study the scriptures at any time of the day to be part of my labor preparation. I am planning on an unmedicated birth for many reasons that I will discuss in another post. But I really want to see how studying many different subjects in the gospel will aid me in this experience. I am sure it will cast out all the fear but I am not sure exactly how it will help me when the moment comes. Thus, the need for experimentation!

I hope this isn't misconstrued as being braggy or overzealous. I am just navigating through life the same as the next person and I just really believe in the things that I have talked about and I am genuinely curious to see what will happen. I know I have a few weeks until I start, but I just thought I would post my thoughts about it today.