Today I am just overwhelmingly grateful for my son. I can't believe he has been in our lives for two years! It's crazy to think of how big a part of our lives he is now and that before he came we didn't even know him. I am so grateful that I have been given an opportunity to experience what it means to rejoice in my posterity. I know there are people who yearn for a family and/or children. I remember how desperately I wanted to get pregnant the first time around and how long I sobbed once I finally, after many tests, saw that positive result. I can remember that positive so clearly. I can remember the tile in the bathroom I stood on when I first saw it. I can remember what step I sat on as I cried out in gratitude to Heavenly Father. And to see Henry sitting on that very step is an overwhelming sight that I try to appreciate as much as I can.

I am remembering the price I paid to have that child. From the incessant longing and physically painful ache in my heart to the many uncomfortable and painful symptoms of a very challenging and yet healthy pregnancy. From feeling like I had the flu so long ("morning" sickness) that I frequently reached those moments where I would cry out that I couldn't take it anymore to feeling those first flutters and kicks and letting the excitement replace the nausea, heaviness, heartburn, muscle and bone aches for brief and beautiful moments. From gaining so much weight so quickly and having no power to stop it, to not caring one cent about it once I could hold that child in my arms. From being absolutely riddled with a horrible pregnancy rash weeks before he was born to getting to spend hours and hours every day for months nursing and cuddling with him. From feeling my body heal and the energy and strength returning to putting that boy to bed and every time having my heart flutter as I shut his bedroom door. It is impossible for anyone to say that becoming a parent doesn't transform you. Because it does. When you take that responsibility truly seriously, it makes you more complete - even if you were already complete before that child came into your life.

Today I am thinking about all those grieving about the loss of a child, or the loss of a pregnancy, or the loss of never getting pregnant. I am thinking about those grieving over watching so many of their friends marrying and having children and are not yet married themselves. I feel like there is something about these types of trials - pregnancy, loss of a child, the challenges of motherhood, infertility, singlehood - that change us and make us more compassionate and more able to connect with different parts of the world around us, only if we allow them to. I have found that my ability to love people has increased exponentially since having a child. I have also found that my brief experience with infertility made me more compassionate and aware of the sting of that struggle. To my friends who deal with any of these, I love you and I am sorry for your pain. There is no one else in this world who understands your individual struggles more than Jesus Christ:

"And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities" (Alma 7:12). 

I know this seems an awfully heavy post to be celebrating my son's 2nd birthday, but I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude to have him in my life and I am substantially more aware of how the Atonement blesses and heals us in our time of need, whatever that need might be.

Anyway, even though his birthday is today,we celebrated it this last weekend since Grandma and Grandpa Godard were in town. Here are some pictures from that as well as pictures of him enjoying his new toys and time with his family:

First of all, can't resist a comparison! Here's Henry on his 1st birthday!

And here's Henry on his 2nd birthday!

Henry and daddy (yes, lots of editing on this picture because it was taken in the dark and I only had 2 pictures to work with! I am not very good at documenting events... lol)

Enjoying his water table from Papa

Enjoying his car garage from Grandma and Grandpa 

As a special celebration, we went out and did fun things today (got a toy at Michaels and visited the pet store). Here we are sitting outside enjoying a chocolate cookie.

Happy Birthday to my Henry!

Hope in the Hospital

Here's where it all began: On Monday night (May 5th) around 9:30 I began to get ready for bed. It was around 10:30, while lying in bed, that my water broke - at 6 1/2 months pregnant. 2 quick gushes of clear fluid soaked itself into the brand new mattress we just bought 2 weeks ago! I knew immediately that something was wrong. I sat up and ran to the bathroom. I had just gone to the bathroom before it happened. I was in shock! I rushed to my pregnancy book reading up on premature rupture of membranes and my heart started to sink. I put my hand over my mouth and let out a sob. Andrew, who remained calm and collected, called my doctor, as I was hyperventilating and couldn't talk. The doctor told us to pack a bag and get to the hospital. First and foremost, we both sunk to our knees in prayer. Then we got packed. One of our friends came over to assist in giving me a priesthood blessing (click here to learn more) and to sleep on our couch while we left our baby upstairs sound asleep. I bawled over the fact that I had to leave my baby. I had no idea when I would see him again. I kept telling Andrew that I was okay, that I had faith, that I knew God was in control, but that I needed to cry because my heart was breaking in leaving my son and that my daughter was in danger.

We got to the hospital and were taken to the triage where they administered many tests. Only one of those tests came up positive that a leakage did, in fact, occur. They also did a sonogram to detect my fluid levels, which were at a 5 - on the low side but not low enough to strongly suggest I had significant leaking. (This was discouraging!) They wanted to be safe and admit me to be observed over night and wait to see what my Dr. said in the morning. As for me, I noticed that my stomach was smaller than usual. I, myself, knew what happened. I knew that my fluid levels must had to have been much higher before the breakage. I drink a ton of water! I drink 80 ounces a day so I knew what happened and I felt the Spirit tell me I was right.

After 2 hours in the triage, I was checked into a labor and delivery room. I got dressed in a stylish hospital gown and got ready for bed and prepared to send Andrew back home. I knew I was strong enough to do this on my "own" because I knew I was not the least bit alone, and that Henry needed his daddy. Knowing Andrew could be there with Henry to provide the consistency and stability he needed through this big change brought much comfort to me.

Before Andrew left, we said another prayer together. It felt like the prayer provided an extra unseen attachment between the two of us that would withstand the distance that was coming. It was heartbreaking seeing my husband walk out with the uncertainty of what would happen. I felt that his heart was heavy. He was leaving me, his vulnerable pregnant wife, alone in a hospital bed, and was going home to sleep in our bed, alone, knowing I was not near. He was leaving with no medical assurance that the baby would be okay. But I knew that the Savior would aid us both in our own struggles with this experience. I knew that as I heard his footsteps trail down the hallway.

There are four things I would like to testify of:

1) I testify that studying the scriptures, partaking of spiritual knowledge daily and also praying multiple times every day with real sincerity, ennobles us and strengthens us to withstand the fears and negative thinking that can permeate easily in times like these - the unexpected and scary times where your lives are being spun around and upside down. I felt that our combined daily efforts to follow God's commandments had created this barrier that was up for our use, we just had to engage it. In order to do so, we had to both communicate to God from the get-go that we would accept His will - no matter what. With this acceptance, that shield was set in place and I felt remarkably at peace - happy even. As I settled into that room, my heart was already healing from the events that had transpired. I felt a strength that was not my own. I felt that God was blessing me, His daughter, with a deep surety that He had a plan for our family and that this moment was critical in our journey to become like Him, no matter the outcome. This protection is real and felt almost tangible during this time of need.

2) This might be unexpected, but I testify of a sacred side of Family History work (Click here to learn more): As I have delved into this work - looking at my family tree, reading everything I can get my hands on about my ancestors, finding stories and pictures and putting them on the family search database, I felt a connection take place between me and these people. I felt their appreciation that I cared about their lives and that I wanted them to be represented well. I felt that there were people in that hospital that room that I could not see who were bearing me up and that there were others that were at my home with my family bearing them up. It really was a family effort. We are not meant to bear these burdens alone - there is so much that is available to us that we can use to sustain us through times like these. 

3) I also testify of the principle of enduring to the end - that it consists of daily efforts and that we must adapt those efforts when new things come to shake us up a bit. Something that was very effective, especially during the car ride there and in those quiet moments after Andrew left the room and I was alone in the dark with monitors wrapped around my stomach and an IV in my arm, were repetitive phrases like, "God is in control," "have faith in Jesus Christ," and "you can do hard things." I sang hymns in my mind to stay close to that safe place and eventually fell asleep.

4) And lastly, I testify of the power of prayer and Priesthood blessings and how they can truly heal. Now that I am home, with the assurance that my body has recovered from this ordeal, I am convinced that that is what healed me. There was no intervention the hospital could provide for me to encourage the healing. It was entirely dependent on the Priesthood blessing I received and the prayers being constantly delivered to God on our behalf.

Throughout my stay, fears still tried to creep up on me. These are some of the fears that threatened me from time to time - that came into my head and that I quickly tossed out:

"Why doesn't anyone believe me? Are they going to send me home tomorrow morning thinking I am crazy? They can't send me home!"

"What if my baby is born and she dies?"

"Is this my fault? Am I to blame for this?"

"How can I be away from my son? I need him more than he needs me!"

"How can I sleep without my husband by my side? I am the weaker half of a person without him!"

"Who am I kidding? I am alone!"

I felt like a Jedi with a light saber, swatting each negative thought away as it threatened to wrack me with another sob. 

I got only 2 hours of sleep that night. But it was enough to help me get through another day of being constantly monitored and going through some further testing. 

It is at this point that I will share with you something really neat. My first morning there, my night shift nurse brought in my day shift nurse who introduced herself as "Joanne." My jaw dropped. Why? Because that is one of the 2 names we have been considering for our daughter. My husband's grandmother passed away giving birth to Andrew's mother and her twin sister. Her name was Mable Joanne Hall. My sister-in-law who we both love and admire is also named Joanne. I am a sucker for significance. Once that nurse came in and introduced herself, I was sure. It seems that Baby Girl, or Baby Joanne, had a preference perhaps? I told the nurse about it and she was so giddy! We became dear friends. Another thing I should mention brings yet ANOTHER Joanne into the story - my visiting teacher and rescuer. She was one I was in contact with throughout my stay at the hospital and, having practiced as an OBGYN at that same hospital for 12 years at one point in her life, she was an incredible source of information and comfort to me. She also picked me up from the hospital and drove me home. So, guys, there are 5 Joannes in this story! 

Another tender mercy that took me by surprise during my stay was the overwhelming influx of kind words through texts, emails, facebook messages and comments - comforting words from friends and family and the assurance that many were praying on our behalf. I could feel those prayers also lifting me up and every contact that I received added a little more to my strength. I am a natural born introvert that has somehow flipped the switch over the years to a more extroverted lifestyle - in that I crave human interaction. This began to change as I threw myself into God's work and learned how to love and connect with people around me. A lot of the people that contacted me were people that I had built that friendship of love with - where I had tried to love them the way Christ wanted me to by serving them. I was also visited by two friends during my stay who brought with them some metaphorical balm of Gilead that soothed me. It was amazing to witness this support because as well as I felt, considering the circumstances, each one of these contacts built me up a little stronger and pushed me up a little higher. We need each other! No matter how strong we think we are or how independent we are, we need each other.

During my stay, my doctor, who also served to be an effective source of comfort, adamantly believed me when I told him that I knew my water had leaked - even though the tests did not completely support my claim. My first full day at the hospital they took me to their fetal assessment center and did a detailed ultrasound to again measure the fluids in the placenta. They were at a 9. The next day, merely 24 hours later, they were at a 15.3! That is three times as much as what they were at when I was in the triage! I also felt that my pregnant belly looked full and round again versus the deflated look it took on after the leak. 

This outcome that took place, I was told, was nothing short of miraculous. When you have a tear in your amniotic sac, it disturbs the environment and typically causes labor to begin. Now that this has happened, I was informed that the likelihood of her coming at anytime from a week from now to her due date has increased significantly. As a precaution, I was given 2 steroid shots that served as catalysts in getting her lungs to develop should she come early. I really appreciate the thorough approach my doctor took. I am also grateful for this experience, as it was such a sacred one for me in which I witnessed so many incredible things, and that this hospital where I will deliver her has now become a sacred place for me. 

What's in store for me now? I have been given directions on how to closely monitor myself for any signs of distress. I have also been told that I am not on any sort of bed rest and that I can go back to living my life! Should there be another complication, then we will decide what to do next. But as for now, I move forward with complete faith. I will listen closely to the Spirit (and try even harder to live worthily to keep it with me) so that it can be that source of comfort and also a voice of warning should something else happen. 

Thanks to all who have taken the time to read this. I understand that it seems lengthy and that there are so many mentions of my beliefs, but I know I have to be true to this experience and to my witness of these eternal principles. Now, I am home. I get to hug and kiss my family as much as I want. I got to put my baby to sleep last night. I got to sleep in my bed with my husband. My simple and beautiful life is back to normal. 

Now for pictures!

These are some darling pictures some friends took of Henry while they watched him on Tuesday night so Andrew could come see me. These pictures, and this help we received, were both so comforting - to see my baby having fun with his friends soothed my ache in missing him so much.