A Woman Adored

This experience can be best described in one word: unexpected. There are so many things you plan for and anticipate with delivering a child. I spent so much time thinking about it and, while being flexible with certain outcomes, never anticipated the things that actually cropped up before and during this experience. Andrew and I were both tempted to be angry, bitter and resentful but we refused! We fought through it with faith and even in the midst of it all, we both knew it was strengthening our faith. When I could feel an oncoming wave of despair, I found myself repeating this phrase in my head over and over: have faith, not fear. Much like the coming and going of a contraction, the sadness that was creeping up on me was slowly quelled to nothing and left sunshine and peace in its wake.

In this post, I talk about embarking on an experiment in preparation for my delivery. I, of course, had no idea how useful this experiment would turn out to be. Even though in the post I mention that I would start adding extra daily study one month from my due date, I decided that I would start that night instead. Why wait? I am glad I did because a week or so before I hit my due date, I became antsy so it was hard to focus on anything at all! So that month or so of extra study became a great blessing to me. I felt wrapped up in faith armor, as cheesy as it sounds. (For those who are wondering what I read, I made sure to have every General Conference talk from the most recent session read/reread by the time my due date rolled around).

So, I am sure you are dying to know the unexpected components of this story! First, I want to list out what I was anticipating for my labor:

- That I would go into labor on my own before 41 weeks

- That I would labor at home for a long while, using all the techniques of coping with labor such as massages, showers, walks, and my exercise ball

- That I would lean on Andrew for support and that he would be my strength

- That my dear friend/doula, Jennifer, would also be a great strength and support to me

- That I would show up at the hospital within a few hours of pushing time

- That it would be a quicker delivery than my first

- That I would not be induced or have a c-section

- And, finally (and ultimately), that I would lean on the Savior to comfort me and teach me every single moment and that I would have my heart continually opened in prayer unto him

Here's what actually happened (this story starts over a week before she came):

Sunday (7/20) - We both received priesthood blessings while at church to prepare us for the baby. Henry had a fever as we left church.

Monday (7/21) - I took Henry to the doctor who said it was either strep or hand, foot, mouth disease.

Tuesday (7/22) - Henry acted irritable all day and was not eating well. A strange bump started to appear on his foot. We thought it was something he stepped on. My dad flew in that night.

Wednesday (7/23) - I called the doctor before Henry was up to leave a message for the nurse about his foot. By the time the nurse practitioner called me back, he had gotten up and I had seen that many sores had begun to appear on his hands and feet. I later confirmed with the nurse that it was, indeed, hand, foot, and mouth disease. Then Andrew texted me to tell me that he was starting to feel flu-like symptoms and came home early to rest. I fought the discouragement and tried to stay strong for my sick family who needed me to take care of them. My dad was a tremendous help.

Thursday (7/24) - The sores continued to take over my sick baby. Andrew was feeling a little bit better but worked from home. He came with me to my doctor's appointment where we discussed with my doctor the possibility of an induction. I definitely did not want an induction but we scheduled one anyway for that following Monday in the hopes that she would come before then. He initially wanted to induce that night but changed his mind when we told him that Henry was sick.

Friday (7/25) - Andrew was feeling much worse. His throat was really starting to hurt and the muscle aches and pains were ever present. He went in to see the doctor as we were desperate to nip this in the bud if we could. He was tested for strep, which was negative. Henry's sores at this point weren't worsening and his behavior was improving. It was this day that I sobbed and sobbed. I had to let it wash over me. The reality of the situation was settling and I was starting to change my expectations of what my delivery would be like. I had family and close friends of mine that were in contact with me, offering their reassurance and prayers during this time which helped a lot. I was exhausted from taking care of everything - especially since I pictured my last week of pregnancy being relaxing for me and that I would perhaps be the one being a little coddled but instead I was doing so much coddling that, combined with the anxiety of still being pregnant, I had almost nothing left to give. With the help of my dad and one of our home teachers, we were all able to receive priesthood blessings again which helped revive our hope.

Saturday (7/26) - Andrew's throat was riddled with painful white sores. We sent him to the doctor again (as we were so anxious about it) and he, again, tested negative for strep. The doctor told him that he most likely defied the odds and caught what Henry had. Hand, foot, and mouth disease usually spreads between children under five. It was in the evening that Andrew and I had to come to terms with the fact that he probably would not be able to be there when I gave birth as he would be highly contagious. (We later confirmed this with my doctor). This was a harsh thing to accept at the time. We both wanted to be angry and bitter but continued to fight it and stay positive. We had discussions about God's will for our family and that it doesn't mean it makes our story any less special if it plays out differently. My heart ached for him because the powerlessness I could sense from him was overwhelming - that something as tedious as a virus was preventing him from being able to be present for the birth of his daughter.

My prayers around this time sounded much like this:

"Father in Heaven, I am trying to have faith.

I know our lives are in Thy hands.

I know that Thou art watching over us.

I know that Thou art in control.

I know that the same power that was used to create this life within me is the same power that was used to create viruses, such as the one that seems to be plaguing my family and that Thou art in control of it all.

Please help me to trust Thee.
Please please please strengthen us all to endure this in a way that is pleasing unto thee."

I was beginning to think that perhaps I would have to get a ride to the hospital and deliver the baby on my own. I know it sounds dramatic, but we were running out of options! As I was still hesitant to do an induction, and the people who were capable of being there were leaving to go out of town, I was going through the logistics of what I would need to do if I went into labor later that next week. Would I call a friend to drop me off or call an ambulance? Does our insurance cover an ambulance? These are the things I was thinking about that night and the following day.

Sunday (7/27)- None of us went to church on Sunday as half of us were sick! If I recall correctly, it was Sunday night that I received a phone call from my friend Joanne (mentioned in this post) who also happens to be a retired OB/GYN who calmed my nerves significantly and offered up some really great and useful advice. It was after speaking to her that I felt significantly more comfortable about having an induction. As I prayed about it, it felt like the right thing for us, especially as my time was running out to have the help available to me during labor. God did not want me to do it without help. It was too rare and too beautiful an experience to trivialize. It really had to be now and as the evening came I knew what had to be done.

Monday (7/28) - It was this day that I waited for the call concerning my induction. Andrew was still sick and sores began to appear on his face. Henry was doing much better. I got the phone call from my doctor's office when I was shopping at the grocery store. They told me I would be going in that evening. I let Jennifer know what the plan was and we decided that she would be there with me that night as long as she could (as she was leaving for a short vacation the next day) and that Joanne would take over when she needed to leave. As the evening came closer, I had long since passed that anticipatory excitement that builds up around 37 weeks. I had been on this roller coaster of expectations being shattered that I simply had none left. I kept my mind wide open. I cleared myself of all expectations and clung to 3 things: 1) that God was with me, my family, and all the people who were helping us 2) that we would have faith no matter the outcome (be it c-section, failed induction, or any number of worse-case scenarios) and 3) that our story was unfolding and it would be beautiful in its own way. We finally got to the hospital that night around 7:45. Jennifer was fantastic company and I was so glad that she could be there at the beginning of it all. Once I was in the L&D room and all checked in, a doctor came in to check me. According to him, I was only 1.5 cm (which was different than what my doctor said). Shortly after I was checked, Joanne texted Jennifer that she couldn't take it and that she was coming to join us until that baby arrived. We got permission that we could have Andrew watch the whole ordeal via skype which lifted my spirits a TON. The idea that he would be able to still see everything happen made me feel so much better! We set up the skype and planned to have it on the whole time. They started me on pitocin around 10:45 and the contractions started. Around 12:15 or so, the internet crashed and begged my hopes to crash with it. Out of all the times it could have happened, the internet was down during my whole delivery. I knew it was another test of faith and that we would prevail. It was just so sad and disappointing. My phone also decided to go crazy the whole time I was at the hospital. So all the updating that I was planning on doing became very minimal as it was very hard and time consuming to text. I was able to make phone calls but didn't have the energy to call everyone. Not only was biology not on our side, but technology wasn't either. I was at least able to talk to Andrew on the phone frequently. I am glad that at least the phone service was working!

Tuesday - We had all anticipated that the baby would come in the early hours of the morning. Instead, I had mild and consistent contractions all night and was able to sleep through many of them. I got up every hour and a half or so to pee (and, bless their hearts, Jennifer and Joanne took turns helping me unhook all my wires/plugs and helped me get to the bathroom). I was overwhelmed with gratitude for their kindness during this whole ordeal. It reminded me of John 13 - where the Savior washes the feet of his apostles. I am sure there was a solemn and holy anticipation that hung in that room during the Last Supper and that beautiful act of love the Savior performed. In those quiet hours in the dark hospital room with the gentle thump of my daughter's heart beeping on the monitor, I could feel a similar anticipation, of course to a much smaller degree. I was incapable of serving my dear friends in return which only served to intensify the similarities I felt as they continued to serve me and be there for me when they could have been at home, with their families, sleeping soundly in their beds. I could see the Savior through their actions and it strengthened me as my body continued to slowly pace through its miraculous performance.

When the morning hit, we marveled that we were able to get a few hours of sleep. I discovered that I probably got the most sleep out of all of us! Jennifer was getting antsy as she had to leave in a few hours and was really hoping she would be able to see the baby come. Joanne was dying to get things rolling and wanted to break my water - jokingly, of course! Dr. Parshad (my doctor) came in around 8:40 full of apology that Andrew couldn't be there but also amazed (and, he admitted, not surprised) to see 2 ladies he knew. (He and Joanne use to work together, and he delivered Jennifer's baby). He has told me on numerous occasions how touched he has been as he has seen how us Mormon ladies take care of each other (he has delivered a good number of babies in our branch/congregation and he knows we all know each other). He said he was telling his wife about this situation and that he bet that he would see someone he knew accompanying me during my labor. It was during his visit that he checked me. He said I hadn't progressed at all. (This discouraged me only because I knew that with this news, Jennifer would not be able to be there during the birth. We had been planning and discussing it for months and were so excited. I was so bummed for her that she would miss it.) He then broke my water. Things were about to get cray-zay.

With the news that I hadn't really progressed, Jennifer had to go to get ready to leave. We said goodbye to her and hello to another shattered expectation. But the show had to go on. And I was so grateful to have had her there for that evening. Now that my water was broken, my contractions were starting to get stronger. As I mentioned in this post, I had been planning on having an unmedicated birth. Well, that already went out the window but there was still the option of the epidural and the time to make that decision was creeping up on me. It was here that I took a step back and realized that all the things I intended to have with me as I went through labor were gone - I couldn't walk around, I couldn't shower or bathe, I couldn't even really lay on my side (as it would throw off the monitors), I couldn't use an exercise ball, and, most importantly, my husband couldn't be there. I was nervous about having the epidural initially because my last experience with an epidural and pitocin was horrible. But things were going so smoothly now that I felt this time would be different. With so many pieces missing and those contractions getting stronger, this popped in my head:

(For those who aren't familiar with the show Parks and Recreation,

this is the "Treat Yo Self" clip:

So, that is what I did. I treated myself. And OHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOSH. That's all I am going to say. It was amazing. Joanne, being a doctor, was able to stick around and watch the epidural be administered and she said that in all her years of practice she had never seen one so beautifully done. Tender Mercy? I think so. Once the pain of those intense contractions slowly ebbed away, it was much easier for me to relax completely. With the way I was reacting to the contractions, we were sure I had progressed at least some but were stunned when Dr. Parshad said I was only 3 cm! My body was F.I.G.H.T.I.N.G it. Dr. Parshad inserted a foley catheter at 11 (which monitors contractions more accurately) and said he was off to do a surgery. We were sure that baby wasn't going to come until the evening so we settled in for a long day.

Around 1:30 my dad showed up. I was glad I got the epidural because without it, he would have refused to be there. I am so glad I got to have him there also to support me. And it's good he got there when he did! Joanne was so antsy as the time passed and my contractions were getting stronger. She could see some tell-tale signs that delivery was close. She kept saying things like, "Where is Dr. Parshad? We need to know how far you are!" And "I should just check you. Can I just check you?" It was pretty funny. The anticipation was almost too much for her to handle!

Dr. Parshad came in around 2:30 and almost hurriedly checked me. I was sure he was going to say "5 cm!" and I would have been happy with that. Instead he shocked us all and, with a big smile and a calm voice, said, "You are going to have that baby in 2 minutes." I, of course, said, "Are you serious?" "Yes. I can see her head." He walked out into the hallway and yelled, "I NEED A NURSE! WE'VE GOT A _ _ _ (some medical abbreviation that I am sure meant that a baby is coming!)!

Dr. Parshad set me up for delivery and 5 nurses came in with big smiles on their faces. Dr. Parshad said something funny and I laughed. He said, "Don't laugh! Don't cough! Don't do anything!" Sure enough, when he moved I could see in the mirror behind him that he was right. I can't believe she was right there and I didn't even know it! What an amazing epidural! It only took 2 pushes and she was out! Talk about fast - especially since I pushed for an hour and a half with Henry and had an episiotomy!

My dad called Andrew and put him on speaker phone. Dr. Parshad yelled out, "Hi, Andrew! So sorry you couldn't be here!" I am glad the service didn't cut out during this phone call. Andrew was able to at least hear everything that was going on.

So there she was. Dr. Parshad laid her on my chest and the tears kept streaming. I quietly cried as I held my little girl. She cried and cried, showing us those healthy lungs of hers.

"We did it!" I told her. "We finally did it! Way to go, sweet girl."

My dad put the phone up to little Joanne and said, "Andrew, here's your daughter!" Andrew talked to her and I will never forget the look on her little face that said, "Oh! I know that voice!" I am glad she was able to have a connection of some sort with her father right after delivery.

This experience was so incredibly different than my last and was unique in so many ways. I am grateful that it tried my faith. I know, more than ever, that God lives and that He accompanied me through this whole ordeal. I know that the Savior lives and that he showed us all how to endure this well with a positive attitude so that it could strengthen us. The more I choose to see them in everything around me, the sharper their presence in my life becomes.

The healing and recovery has been flawless. I am already eager to get back into the swing of things but am doing my best to restrain myself! I feel amazing and my little Joanne is such an easy baby so far! As things have started to settle a little and as we have gotten used to our new little addition, I recognize that this is the stuff of life. Family is everything. The experience of being a mother - again - has amplified the meaning of this scripture:

D&C 18:10

Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.

Looking back at how intimately involved God was with this situation, and feeling how precious my little girl is has had a profound impact on my understanding of each of our individual worth. I look at tiny human and am both overjoyed and saddened at the same time. I am overjoyed that I can share with her the greatest message in the world - that a Savior was provided for her - and saddened that there are many around the world who are of infinite worth like her who are lost in darkness. I didn't expect that this experience would only add to the desperation I already felt to spread that light.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this long and detailed post. Here are some pictures!

The beginning of the induction (Jennifer took these)