Deliverance

DISCLAIMER: I am holding nothing back with this post. My blog is my journal. This is lengthy and descriptive, mainly for my purposes, but I hope it also is useful for those who are pregnant now! I am documenting the good, the bad, and the ugly here. If you get offended and/or disgusted, don't say I didn't warn you!



Although I am very tired and very sore still (you would be too if you pushed out an almost-9-pound-baby!), I felt that I needed to hash out the details of my labor and delivery before I forget how it all happened. It all began Sunday (the 27th) at 2:30 in the morning. I had gone to bed fairly early feeling a little discouraged that I still hadn't gone into labor yet. When I woke up, I realized that I had been tossing and turning the last few hours with fairly intense cramps that came in waves: contractions. They were consistent, lasting a minute, and 4-6 minutes apart. I also had this intense feeling of anxiety and panic. My back was throbbing, and I felt some pain radiating down my legs. These are all symptoms of active labor. I decided to call my doctor who told me I could go to the hospital to be checked. In between contractions, I was able to get dressed and put on some makeup to look a little decent. I now find it laughable that I thought I was in labor at this point, although this is how it happens for some people! Anyway, we left for the hospital where I found out that, although I was in early labor, I was only 2 centimeters dilated and 50% effaced. I found this extremely disappointing. I was afraid to go back home and deal with it getting worse. They said that I could try hot showers and walks to ease the pain. They also told me to only come to the hospital if they were 2-3 minutes apart and were so painful they "took my breath away." We went home and the contractions kept getting stronger and closer. As I laid in bed and each wave came, it took everything I had to not cry out in pain. I didn't want to wake Andrew so I decided to go lay down on the couch and I spent the rest of the morning getting through the contractions which had drained me so much that I actually fell into a deep sleep between each one! Luckily, they were steadily getting farther and farther a part and eventually stopped around 10:30. It had been a long night and I was glad it was over. The rest of that day went on just fine. Although I was tired and it was hot and humid outside, Andrew and I still went on our daily walk. I hadn't felt any differently so I was a little discouraged because I was so ready to be done!
At exactly 10:30 pm that night, I was sitting on the couch. I turned to Andrew's mom and said something to the extent of, "Well, I guess I can say the plus side of those contractions stopping is that I don't have to feel them for the time bei..." and one hit me mid sentence! It wasn't particularly strong but it definitely got my attention. I decided to be safe and hurry and get ready for bed because if this was it, I needed to get some sleep. They were increasing but I thought I could just hurry and fall asleep for a few hours before they got worse. My body had a different plan for me! They quickly increased in intensity. I had a lot of energy so I decided to try and walk through the pain rather than confine myself to a bed. I walked up and down the street in front of our house, speeding up as the waves came. I walked and walked until my pregnant body could take it no longer. I went inside and took a hot shower and had the stream of water hit my back. I did this until all the hot water was gone. I tried to go to sleep and was just writhing in pain. They were 3-4 minutes apart so I felt I could barely get a break between them. I decided I would just spend the night taking hot showers until the hot water ran out because it was my only way of dealing with the pain without going crazy. After I took a second shower, I had had it! I was done. We were going to the hospital and we weren't coming home until I had a baby. I woke up Andrew, threw some clothes on and we went. The fact that I didn't do anything to my hair or even put mascara on is conclusive evidence that I was truly hurting.

We got to the hospital and I was crying and shaking all the way to the women's center. The same ladies that took care of me the night before were there. They took me back and I changed into a gown. As soon as I laid down on the bad I sobbed and sobbed, "please don't send me home! Please don't make me leave!" (I had a nurse ask me later in the day if I was the one who was balling in the triage room...lol). They weren't very sympathetic. They strapped a fetal monitor and a contraction monitor to my belly. For those of you who aren't familiar with the process of qualifying for labor and delivery, they first send you to a room called the triage where they monitor your contractions and your baby's heart beat, and check your cervix. The moment of truth comes when the doctor checks to see if you are dilated enough to be considered in active labor. I was convinced because of the many contractions and pain that I was. You can imagine my complete and utter disappointment when the Dr. told me that nothing had changed since the day before. I was speechless. How much longer could I endure this? I couldn't sleep through it or even live through it anymore! Was I going to be the first woman to die of contractions because my cervix refused to let me have my baby? The doctor gave us 2 options: we could go home, or walk around the women's center for a few hours in the hopes that I will improve. The idea of going home made me want to vomit. Leaving the hospital would have felt like a step back. I was determined. So, we walked a small stretch of hallway back and forth for at least and hour. After I was worn out, we went back to the triage room and I laid down. The nurse strapped on the monitoring equipment. It didn't take long until the baby's heartbeat showed sudden drops. This meant that I had to lay down flat on my back through my contractions. Being pregnant alone and laying on your back is extremely uncomfortable. Being pregnant and enduring painful contractions while laying on your back is almost unbearable. I went on many bathroom breaks because it meant I could get up and have just one contraction where the pain was a little more bearable. It took the doctor almost 3 hours before he could come check me again. I was almost 3 centimeters which still didn't quite qualify. Luckily, the monitor was showing extremely strong, consistent and close contractions (2-3 minutes apart) so he said I qualified to him. He predicted that I would have the baby in possibly 12 hours! Proved him wrong! It was less than 9!
So, it had been 11 hours of intense pain before I finally made it into the labor and delivery room. The feeling that I finally made it in set me free! I was one step closer to being done! Things began to move extremely quickly. A new doctor was now on the floor and we loved him. He had a son named Henry, too! He checked me and I was 3 cm and 60% with baby at -2 station. He broke my water and I began to progress extremely quickly. It was exactly the nudge I needed to get things moving. The anesthesiologist came in to give me the epidural around 9:45. Prior to being in labor, I had gone back and forth with the idea of not having it. However, at this point, I hadn't slept well in 2 days and I needed sleep if I wanted the energy to push out my baby! I did not want a c-section!

Here I am in labor looking bigger I mean cuter than ever!

Once the epidural kicked in, I had about 45 minutes of blissful rest. They started me on a low dose of pitocin to speed up the contractions. Andrew went to get some breakfast. When he got back, he was greeted by quite a scare! I remember seeing him walk through the door. I started to feel extremely dizzy and nauseous. I told the nurse. Andrew and his mom saw my face lose all of its color. I said I felt like I was going to pass out. Just then, the monitors started beeping and a host of people came running into the room. There were 4 or 5 nurses, the doctor, and a few others that were filtering in and out. It was chaos. Apparently my blood pressure dropped dangerously low, and the baby's heartbeat dropped and then it sounded like it stopped. They couldn't locate it with the monitor. They had me get on all fours (lovely view), and then lay on both sides to help circulate my blood better and hopefully find the baby. This sight was terrifying for my poor husband. Although it was frightening, I felt extremely calm. I felt that I needed to be calm for my son. Although the thought that I could lose my son entered my mind, I remained calm because he was already mine forever and nothing, not even the frailties of mortality, could take him from me. Thank goodness they were able to get things under control, locate my baby, and regulate my blood pressure. The doctor said he wasn't quite sure what caused that to happen, but they speculated that it was either the epidural or the pitocin. So, they turned off the pitocin and the anesthesiologist came in and told me they would have to greatly minimize my epidural dose. (They give you a certain amount through a catheter in your spine every hour). I remember thinking, bring it. At least I got a little break there! 

After that fiasco, the doctor checked me again - I was 4 cm, 80% effaced and the baby was at a -1 station. To keep better track of me and the baby, the doctor inserted a fetal monitor (a little screw in his head - sad face) and a contraction monitor. These were much more accurate than the ones they just tie to your belly. (The fetal monitor scratched little Henry's head but he has almost healed completely by now!) So I endured some more contractions. What was nicer about these contractions, although strong and painful, was that I could at least lay on my side during them. This later ended up causing most of the left-over epidural anesthesia to pool up in my right leg. I was also encouraged to do this as it provided better circulation for the baby which was very important! One thing that really helped me endure the contractions was to allow my body to shiver violently with each one. It was as if the edge of the contractions was released in those continuous bursts of activity.

The doctor decided to start me on pitocin again around 12:45. I geared up for more intensity, however, the same thing happened before: me feeling dizzy, alarms beeping, a rush of people, Henry's dropping heartbeat, etc. They stopped the pitocin again. For some reason my body wanted to do everything on its own! I have a very strong theory for why that happened which I will explain at the end of this post. After they got Henry and I stable again, the doctor checked me and I was a whopping 6 cm and 90% effaced! This was shocking because typically it takes about an hour and a half to move up a centimeter. I moved up 2 in a little over an hour and without pitocin! I laughed at this because I would have traded my body's fast progression for earlier that morning! That was way worse than the whole painful labor process! Well, about an hour and a half later I was 10 centimeters dilated and 100% effaced. We were all shocked! The doctor said, "let's get ready to push!" I couldn't believe it! I was going to push a baby out of me! I was trembling from head to toe in pain, my feet were cold and my face was hot. My body was exhausted. But I was so ready to meet my little munchkin! Within 30 minutes or so, I began to push. That was perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Although I pushed that little chunk out in less than an hour and a half (which is quite a feat I was told - especially for being a first time mother and the size of my baby), I literally felt what it was like to be pushed to your limit - the very end of all you have. There was a lot of screaming and crying and yelling during this. Andrew was amazing as my coach. He motivated me to keep pushing. I could not have done that without him. I'm so glad he was so present with me the whole labor process, especially that moment. Right before my last 2 pushes, the doctor said he would have to cut me to get the baby out. I told him I didn't care and he could slice me all the way open if he wanted to. One push... Snip... The head was out... Another push... And my son entered the world!

Let me just pause and say that the next moment was the most amazing feeling I had ever felt in my life. 9 months worth of physical suffering, stress, anxiety, fear and excitement suddenly had a face - the most beautiful face I had ever seen. I went from screaming to balling, from anguish to elation in a small and perfect moment once they laid my son on my chest. To everyone else, he was misshapen, purple and swollen but to me he embodied everything beautiful and perfect. I will never forget that moment. I looked up at my husband and saw he was a mess, too! When they took him away from me, I ached for him so badly. I couldn't stop crying! His cry was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard! There is nothing in this world you can ever compare with childbirth and I honestly can't wait to experience that again. Already.

Here's a short video clip of Henry right after he was born - taken by Grandma Godard. 

So, that's my labor and delivery. The next few days were extremely difficult. I had no idea how much you bleed after you have a baby! We also really struggled with breastfeeding issues and jaundice but things are getting better. There was one night at the hospital where the baby would not latch, and I refused to bottle feed him so I had to self express tiny amounts for him all night long without getting any sleep whatsoever. Now things are going well and even though I'm tired and incredibly sore from suffering a third degree tear and childbirth itself, I have never been so happy! 

As for my theory I mentioned earlier, I honestly believe that my body rejected the epidural and progressed quickly on it's own without pitocin so that I could push my baby out! I had been praying for months that I wanted a vaginal delivery and my baby was so big, especially for a first time mother with an extremely stubborn and unripe cervix, that I needed to be able to feel enough to push him out on my own! I know there are instances where perhaps women pray for a vaginal delivery and God has other plans. It just so happened that what I prayed for was what he wanted for me, too. 

Here's a picture of my precious boy!

We couldn't help but notice, especially in those first few hours after he was born, that he looked a little Asian. We called him our "Asian Buddha baby." Once the swelling went down, it wasn't as obvious, but he has these almond-shaped slanted eyes and we have no idea where they came from! It sure is fun looking at all of his features and speculating where he got them!

It has been amazing having Andrew's mom here during this whole process. She has become quite taken with little Henry and has been so helpful and supportive. I will never be able to repay her for everything she has done! Henry sure loves his grandma!

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this post! It took me quite a while to finish it on account of being needed by a little man so often. I can't believe I'm a mommy!